The Curse of my Life

The next story is a real story, it’s not a joke. Try to not laugh to much otherwise some tears will role on your face.

Last year, one month after of my return from USA I’ve started to have some undesirable visits. The visits were not for me, but for my friend which I lived with. The guy is between 50 and 60 years old, bad looking, drunken man, stupid and all the bad words that we can find in the dictionary.

Firstly he began to visit the gate. Yes... That’s it. He passed on the street and stopped always in the other side of the street looking at the gate for 2 to 3 hours. In that time, we laughed about the situation. I saw the guy almost everyday when I was coming from work. Once I’ve stopped the car and asked him what he really wants from me. I say from ‘me’ because it was I that saw always that statue in front of the gate. My friend was watching TV at that specific hour.

I was watering the garden, and there he was. I was washing the car, and there he was. I was checking the mail box, and there he was. Etc, etc, etc… Until the day he got the phone number of my friend. She has answered one time; I have answered the other thousand times. Once I was at Algarve in holydays and the guy was messing all the time by phone. I would like to shut down the phone, but it was not mine.

He has written some letters, wow… beautiful letters… saying that he was a rich man because he have sold 3 cows. With the money he went to the dentist to *put* on his mouth some new teeth. Now with new teeth he could have a girlfriend.

The house where I lived had a fence with high trees. It was great, because we could be in the backyard in lingerie. Once I was at the backyard in lingerie. I was checking if my laundry was dry. Suddenly I saw the guy’s head between the shrubs. Oh boy, I was so mad… I’ve dressed up quickly. I’ve picked a broom and followed the guy along the street about 500 meters. Unfortunately the guy has run away.

On a Saturday morning of August, the guy calls. The phone was ringing about 30 minutes. My friends insisted on not shutting down the phone. I was desperate, I could not ear any more the ring tone. I’ve picked the phone and spoken rudely with the guy. He said: “I will turn your life miserable.” I’ve hanged the phone, taken my car and driven to the police office.

After telling these beautiful stories to the police officers, the men laugh. The police woman told me: “Give him a fright.” I’ve replied: “Are you kidding?! If I do that, the guy comes here and complaints to you about me.” The woman just said: “Don’t worry. Just give him a fright.”

Ok, great, cool. I had look for his address and found it. I went there. He lived in an old house in the middle of corn fields. I’ve stopped the car far away enough and went by foot to his house. I’ve taken the steel whip that was under the driver seat and hidden it inside my pants. We met on the way… in the middle of a corn field. I’ve asked: “So you want to turn my life miserable, right?!” He said: “I was joking” (Eu estava a brincar - PT). I’ve replied: “So let’s play” (Ora vamos lá brincar - PT).

Arms, shoulders, ribs, backs, kidneys… I have not hit the guy on his head. That would be his final sentence. I gave him a new shape. This beautiful story ended. At least I though so…

Last week I have received another letter in my old house. The letter was inside a transparent plastic bag attached to the gate with scotch tape, as usual. Definitively, the guy does not know the concept of mail box. Without any more comments, read with your own eyes. It is amazing in plain XXI century, to receive this spectacular specimen.

The envelope

The letter

My favorite part is the one where he is sorry for the mistake on writing the phone number and explains that’s the number below.

Now talking seriously, what am I going to do?! If he finds were I’m living now and tries to mess me again, I’ll kill the guy.