Sportsmen for Sale

From junk mail received.

Human Evolution

Instructive Information from my Superiors

[FWD]: A complexidade do Papel Higiénico!!!

(C/ perfume) (S/ perfume) (Sensitive c/ vitamina E)

Ao fazer compras no supermercado, fiquei palerma com a linha de papéis higiénicos Neve.

Segundo o fabricante, Neve é um produto sofisticado, destinado às classes A e B... só se for A de Apaneleirado e B de Bicha, pela quantidade de mariquices anunciadas, como o Neve Ultra, que já vem com algumas opções: «alto-relevo de flores, perfume e uma micro-textura» que, segundo o texto da embalagem, proporciona aos seus felizes utilizadores «a suavidade de uma pétala de rosa»!

Perguntar não ofende: alguém já limpou o cu com uma pétala de rosa? Depois, temos o Ultra Soft Color, mais caro é claro! De cor laranja vem com «extracto de pêssego»... como se o cu distinguisse a cor e sentisse o cheiro!

Mas, o supra sumo é o Neve Ultra Protection, o top da linha. Este Rolls Royce dos papéis higiénicos, além de conter «óleo de amêndoas», que garante «maciez superior e um cuidado maior com a pele», na sua delicada fórmula encontramos Vitamina E (!!!)

Esta coisa de cagar e sair com o cu vitaminado é mesmo coisa de maricas!

Manda este mail para os teus amigos de cu sensível... Eu já fiz a minha parte!

E não adianta ficares de trombas porque eu também o recebi!

--------------------

This is what I call "to make science".

Terrorism != Stupidity

Murphy's Law

How many of these laws are not applied to you?

1. When you have to unlock a door and you have your hands full with 10 big, heavy bags…the key will be placed in the opposite pocket from the hand you hardly managed to free.
   
2. The only time when the door closes by itself is when you left the keys inside.
   
3. When your hands are full of soil, your nose begins to tickle.
   
4. When you have the impression that everything is going very well…it’s because you missed something important…
   
5. When you manage to stay calm when everyone near you is desperate… it’s because you didn’t get the entire gravity of the problem.
   
6. Problems are not created, neither solved, they just transform!
   
7. You’ll get to the phone running exactly in time to hear that the other one hangs up.
   
8. There are always two good movies on two different channels on TV…but always at the same time.
   
9. The probability to drop food on yourself during lunch is directly proportional with the necessity of keeping your clothes clean!
   
10. Any human body, sink in a foamy, relaxing bath…makes the phone ring!
    
11. Any human body, sit on a toilet, makes the door bell ring!
    
12. Wind’s speed increases directly proportional with the price of the hairdressing recently made.
    
13. If you decide, after many years, to throw away something you haven’t used for a long time…Not more than 3 days will pass until you’ll desperately need exactly that object!
    
14. Always, when you get somewhere in time, no one will be there to notice that, but when you are late with only 5 minutes…everyone will be already there…and everyone will look at their watch and then look at you!
    
15. Don’t take life serious, after all, you won’t survive it!
    
16. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
    
17. If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
    
18. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
    
19. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    
20. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
    
21. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
    
22. Every solution breeds new problems.
    
23. Enough research will tend to support your theory.
    
24. When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.
    
25. Smile... tomorrow will be worse.
    
26. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
    
27. You never run out of things that can go wrong.
    
28. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
    
29. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
    
30. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
    
31. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
    
32. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
    
33. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
    
34. All's well that ends.
    
35. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
    

Dedication to MOOsaico's People

Good Looking?!

Elephant: Why your boobies are on the back?!

Camel: Strange question from someone that has the dick on its face.

Thanks to Beccas.

Everybody Needs Friends

Adam & Eve at Saudi Arabia

Stolen from Nikos's pictures.

The Curse of my Life - Part II

Today, my friend gaves me a new letter. I really don’t know either if I have a clone or if mister Chiquinho is drunken all the time. At least he remembers our last meeting was kind of painful to him.

*ironic mode*
Damn it… The meeting was yesterday, I’ve missed it!
*/ironic mode*

The Curse of my Life

The next story is a real story, it’s not a joke. Try to not laugh to much otherwise some tears will role on your face.

Last year, one month after of my return from USA I’ve started to have some undesirable visits. The visits were not for me, but for my friend which I lived with. The guy is between 50 and 60 years old, bad looking, drunken man, stupid and all the bad words that we can find in the dictionary.

Firstly he began to visit the gate. Yes... That’s it. He passed on the street and stopped always in the other side of the street looking at the gate for 2 to 3 hours. In that time, we laughed about the situation. I saw the guy almost everyday when I was coming from work. Once I’ve stopped the car and asked him what he really wants from me. I say from ‘me’ because it was I that saw always that statue in front of the gate. My friend was watching TV at that specific hour.

I was watering the garden, and there he was. I was washing the car, and there he was. I was checking the mail box, and there he was. Etc, etc, etc… Until the day he got the phone number of my friend. She has answered one time; I have answered the other thousand times. Once I was at Algarve in holydays and the guy was messing all the time by phone. I would like to shut down the phone, but it was not mine.

He has written some letters, wow… beautiful letters… saying that he was a rich man because he have sold 3 cows. With the money he went to the dentist to *put* on his mouth some new teeth. Now with new teeth he could have a girlfriend.

The house where I lived had a fence with high trees. It was great, because we could be in the backyard in lingerie. Once I was at the backyard in lingerie. I was checking if my laundry was dry. Suddenly I saw the guy’s head between the shrubs. Oh boy, I was so mad… I’ve dressed up quickly. I’ve picked a broom and followed the guy along the street about 500 meters. Unfortunately the guy has run away.

On a Saturday morning of August, the guy calls. The phone was ringing about 30 minutes. My friends insisted on not shutting down the phone. I was desperate, I could not ear any more the ring tone. I’ve picked the phone and spoken rudely with the guy. He said: “I will turn your life miserable.” I’ve hanged the phone, taken my car and driven to the police office.

After telling these beautiful stories to the police officers, the men laugh. The police woman told me: “Give him a fright.” I’ve replied: “Are you kidding?! If I do that, the guy comes here and complaints to you about me.” The woman just said: “Don’t worry. Just give him a fright.”

Ok, great, cool. I had look for his address and found it. I went there. He lived in an old house in the middle of corn fields. I’ve stopped the car far away enough and went by foot to his house. I’ve taken the steel whip that was under the driver seat and hidden it inside my pants. We met on the way… in the middle of a corn field. I’ve asked: “So you want to turn my life miserable, right?!” He said: “I was joking” (Eu estava a brincar - PT). I’ve replied: “So let’s play” (Ora vamos lá brincar - PT).

Arms, shoulders, ribs, backs, kidneys… I have not hit the guy on his head. That would be his final sentence. I gave him a new shape. This beautiful story ended. At least I though so…

Last week I have received another letter in my old house. The letter was inside a transparent plastic bag attached to the gate with scotch tape, as usual. Definitively, the guy does not know the concept of mail box. Without any more comments, read with your own eyes. It is amazing in plain XXI century, to receive this spectacular specimen.

The envelope

The letter

My favorite part is the one where he is sorry for the mistake on writing the phone number and explains that’s the number below.

Now talking seriously, what am I going to do?! If he finds were I’m living now and tries to mess me again, I’ll kill the guy.

The First Scream of Tarzan

Looking Around

Today I have decided to go to MOOsaico, just to look around. And... there was any guest available! Let see what's happening...

> @who

Name ________________Idle ___ Lang Location
---- ________________---- ___ ---- --------
Guest ________ #211 _4 minutes POR Church
Ruby_Guest ___ #1044_5 minutes POR Church
Sapphire_Guest #3682_5 minutes POR Church
Purple_Guest _ #80 __5 minutes POR Church
Topaz_Guest __ #2892 5 minutes POR Church
Rose_Guest ___ #328 _6 minutes POR Church
Magenta_Guest _#326 _6 minutes POR Church
Fuchsia_Guest _#531 _6 minutes POR Church
Diamond_Guest _#1774 6 minutes POR Church
Lavender_Guest #327 _6 minutes POR Church
Scarlet_Guest _#325 _6 minutes POR Church
Emerald_Guest _#6593 6 minutes POR Church
Violet_Guest _ #103 _6 minutes POR Church

For Christ sake, I have forgot that tomorrow is May 13th. At Portugal is a religious day. Perhaps they are preparing the religious ceremony for tomorrow.

I’m Unforgettable

When people met me, usually they never forget me. I can be unforgettable for bad or good things. I always try to leave a good impression so people can always smiles remembering me.

But… sometimes it’s quite difficult to cause a good impression, especially when we can do anything at all. I remember, a few years ago, the 1st surgery on removing the 1st tooth wisdom. Yes, it was a surgery and not a simple tooth extraction. It took 3 hours to have the bastard off my bone, and the assistant lady at the middle of the surgery has decided to faint completely dead on the floor. Here I was on the dentist chair holding all the medical stuff inside my mouth, while the doctor was helping the lady. The 2nd tooth was easier to remove. Again another surgery of one hour but nothing strange has happened.

I have always believed that the worst tooth was already removed. However I have decided to remove a tooth each year, and not all of them in a short time. I was removing the wisdom teeth but at least I still have some good sense (or wisdom).

Another doctor has removed the 3rd tooth. I have told him the story of the first one. The guy simply said: “With me it will be much easier; I’m a skillful doctor. I have never made a surgery but it doesn’t seem so difficult.” Do you really want to know how much he was regretting in the end for such word?! :-) The guy has broken two calipers while pushing the tooth and my lips were quite damage on the next days. The guy was sweating, I saw his shirt completely wet. I was lie-down on the chair without moving a finger and he was always telling me “Wait… don’t worry… be calm… everything is fine!”

The 4th tooth… the 4th surgery was last year on the day after my birthday. Another doctor was the prize-winner of such rare specimen into my mouth. Again, I told him all the stories. He have listen carefully and told “I hope I will not be a such lucky man!”. But.. he was! :-) It was the worst of the teeth. I never had a toothache before neither after of a removal tooth on the past surgeries. The 4th surgery was a KO on my physical and mental health. 3 weeks to recover and to go to US to present an oral session. Yes, I have recovered… after 2 mounts. Yes, everybody has called me the superwoman.

I was talking in the beginning that I’m a unforgettable persona. Yes I am.

Two days ago I was into the dentist just to remove some tartar. Usually I do this once a year. When the doctor saw me he have asked astonishingly:
- Are you coming to remove another tooth?!
- I’m glad you remember me. I’m just making a check-up, I do not have any more these kind of teeth. – I said. The doctor:
- Thanks God! How could I forget you?! It was the most difficult tooth I’ve removed in all my life.

See?! I told you … I’m unforgettable. :-)

Portuguese Steaks

Since September 2006 I live in a completely new flat. The flat has 3 fronts, east, south and west; each front has a wonderful and gorgeous view. At the east we can see the castle of Guimarães and the Penha church. At south there is a big garden which has a small kid garden and we can see an overview of the city. At the west, there is an overview of the street with plenty of trees.

In the first 2 mounts I have done some home work, which includes making some noise with a hammer. And I was not the only one making noise. I always though that someone was doing the same as me. We are in May 2007 and all the building ears someone working with a hammer since 9 a.m. until 11 p.m. at work days. At the weekends we can ear the noise after 6 p.m. until 11 p. m.

Last Sunday I’ve reached my limit. I was on each floor of the building, ringing on each door and asking to the people if it was them that were working with a hammer. Everybody was saying the noise was annoying and didn’t know who the worker was. After 80 minutes of ringing and talking, I’ve quit. It was nobody, I could not believe.

I remember that I need to put the garbage out, so I left home and when I was outside the building I have realized that the noise was coming from the kitchen of the restaurant!! I went to the restaurant to know what they were doing on the kitchen. I have explained that all the building was angry with the noise all over the time. The guy answered me “Perhaps it’s my colleague in the kitchen beating the steaks.”

I was astonished with the answer. I could not believe that all the noise was just “beating steaks”. Yesterday I had a talk with the restaurant owner and explained that he could not continue beating steaks. He knew that I was complaining about the hammer noise since several months ago, but he was surprised when he founds it was from his kitchen that was coming the irritable noise.

I really don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

E-mails

I could not resist on posting this comic strip from Piled Higher and Deeper. At the beginning I had an e-mail for MSN, another for the work, another for... etc. Since 2 months ago, I only use one e-mail. I spend less time deleting junk mail :)

Turner Brown

A little guy gets on an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. No one else is on the elevator. The elevator door closes. After a few seconds the big guy notices the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "Hey! What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude replies, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, a 3 pound left testicle, a 3 pound right testicle, and my name, is Turner Brown."

The little guy gives a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God! I thought you said turn around!"

Modern Confessional

National Geographic - part 2

Welcome back and thank you to stay in touch. We will continue to describe the life style of the bipedal primates.

By the forty ages there are two types of female: the free female and the busy ones. The busy females have a male or children to take care, the free females look for a male to have children since the biologic clock is ringing. At this age, the male does not care about anything.

By the fifty ages the female is bored with her life of housewife and decides to get away from the male. The male tries to find another female of the same age but he is not successful.

By the sixty ages the female sits on a chair and enjoys the pleasure of being alone, without crying children, without boring males. The male tries to find another female much younger than him, but of course, he is not successful.

By the seventy ages the male realizes that it is time to settle down. He sits on a chair next to a female of his age, gives her his hand, and both tells stories of their lives to each other, wishing both to have twenty years old.

And that’s the cycle of live. Nobody is happy with its life, but at the end everybody realizes that they have lost greats opportunities to be happy. In fact, both (male and female) have guilty. They can not stay toned for a little while; they just want to live their lives as they want. Usually male and female do not make any plans life. If they want to be together so let’s be it, if don’t that’s ok too.

Passion in different from love; to feel good is different to feel love; to have sex is different to make love. We can say that the most part of the human being usually wants to feel good with someone else, to have a great passion and have sex as more as they can. At the end, male and female will be apart. Some few couples just love each other and here it is the magic. Along their lives, of course there are some problems and discussions, but everything is surpassed in name of their love. And they remain together until the end of their days.

National Geographic

The episode of today will relate the intercommunication and interactions between the male and the female of the bipedal primates belonging to the mammalian species, Homo sapiens in the family Hominadae. Like most primates, they are social by nature. However, humans are particularly adept at utilizing systems of communication for self-expression and the exchange of ideas.

Between the elements of the specie they have established a variety of traditions, rituals, ethics, values, social norms, and laws which form the basis of the society. Humans also have a marked appreciation for beauty and aesthetics which, combined with the human desire for self-expression, has led to sexual innovations such as performance, position and speech.

Humans are also noted for their desire to understand and influence the world around them, seeking to explain and manipulate natural phenomena through psychiatry, psychology, mathematics and sociology. This natural curiosity has led to the development of advanced tools and skills; humans are the only known species to build fires, cook their food, undress themselves, and use numerous other artifacts.

However there are a slight difference between the males and females. Let’s start from the beginning of their ages to understand them. At the beginning nobody can note any differences between a male and a female, unless they are undressed.

By the adolescence (10^th years old), the male starts the puberty phase first than female. Puberty is the stupid phase that everybody needs to pass, until to be a grown-up. The male begins to have unpleasant conversations, using unknown terms with the female. She always looks the male with some indifference and snobbism. The male becomes more impetuous in their actions and try to put its hands on the bottom and on the two soft, rounded parts of the female's chest that produce milk after she has a baby.

Of course, at this age the female is not prepared for the reproduction, so she simply slaps the male and gets him away from her. The male frustrated discover the self-pleasure process, putting its hands on his thin piece of body. The female will discover the self-pleasure process much later.

By the twenty ages, the female starts to know what the real pleasure is, and seeks to get pleasure and love at the same time. The female realizes that she can find a kind of specie of love, but she discovers that there are many specie of pleasure.

The male at this age usually finds a partner quickly and get married. He adores his wife, while she becomes to get bored of the same specie of pleasure. The males remaining single start a process of auto-criticism, and close themselves into shells.

By the thirty ages, all the males have some kind of mental perturbations. There are single males, separated males, divorced males and married males. The single males continue their self-pleasure process and when they find a partner the entire subconscious becomes at the top, asking to the partner to switch partners. The separated male has real mental problems. He thinks that each time the female wants more pleasure that the last time. It seems a speedy car which ends on the road without gas. And some... does not have gas at the beginning. The divorced male usually needs some psychological help in the beginning of the new life. And that’s the problem. The psychologist uses some kind of beautiful words that bewitches the male. After these psychologist sessions the male has afraid to meet a female. The married male is kind, likes to be with the ‘second’ female, talks with her and falls in love with her.

Meanwhile, the female realizes that the wife of such married male is a saint, and tries to understand why she got married with him. This situation, when critical, is like a proportional inverse function, as more the male get in love deeper for the female, as more the female wants the male away from her. The female at this age does not have patience for melancholies neither to teach the male how to live.

And by now, we will make a short pause. Enjoy the commercials, we will return soon.